Essential conversations for couples who move, and how to navigate them without stress
- Rhoda Bangerter and Wiebke Anton
- Mar 21
- 4 min read
When a couple moves countries for a job abroad, most of their conversations revolve around logistics. Paperwork that needs to be done before leaving, boxes to be packed etc. The deeper conversations, those about common goals, individual needs and how the couple will navigate the changes, usually get pushed aside. There just isn't enough time! Or these conversations feel too scary, too vulnerable. What if these conversations bring up unresolvable differences?
But when your lifestyle is globally mobile, these talks become essential. For couples who’ve been moving for work or personal ambitions, there’s a point where they must consider even bigger questions: Do we return to our home country? Should one of us move while the other stays? Should we swap roles, where the “accompanying spouse” becomes the main breadwinner? These are high-stakes choices, and they’re unique to couples on the move.
If you've been moving as a couple for work from one country to the next, you may be at a point where you are considering returning to your home country, or doing split location where one of you relocates without the other. Or it may be time for the lead worker to become the accompanying spouse as you swap who becomes the main breadwinner. All these scenarios are possibilities for couples when we move.
While resources abound for individual expats and families with children, we find that there’s comparatively less support for couples navigating the complexities of a mobile lifestyle. Globally mobile couples encounter unique pressures: distance from extended family, frequent career pivots, and the ever-present challenge of balancing two individual ambitions within a shared life. This lifestyle demands ongoing adjustments, and it’s easy to feel that one partner’s needs are overlooked or sacrificed.
Aligning goals and expectations
Moving is a great opportunity to grow as a person, to further your career and to start fresh in a new place. But if you are going with a life partner, how will the move affect them? How will it change your couple dynamic? The certainty is that your couple relationship will change over the years, and more so if you are a globally mobile couple. Differences in cultures, language and opportunities will change you personally and change your relationship. So few people spend time discussing these changes, expressing their needs and aligning each other to these multiple changes. As a person expatriates, they experience so much more change and transitions that a person who does not move. It goes to reason that it is so for a couple.
Relationship care and effective communication becomes the catalyst to building the life you both want in the face of life changing decisions and when one of you is unhappy with the current lifestyle.
Common barriers to conversations
One of the most common barriers to having difficult conversations - besides the “logistics” of finding the time - is often the uncertainty around:
How to start such a big, potentially uncomfortable discussion.
Whether it's wise to bring something up when you’re not entirely sure of your own stance on the issue. You might still be sorting through your thoughts and feelings, unsure of where you truly stand, and the idea of having to articulate that in a conversation? Hm, no.
Some thoughts on point 1.
Set the right tone means creating an environment of respect and mutual purpose, with an explorative and friendly attitude, respecting the other person’s mental availability.
About Point 2:
Even if you are not someone who typically processes things out loud and prefers to think everything through first, consider this:
Our brains actually organize thoughts while we talk. Speaking forces us to make sense of our ideas, as explaining something to someone else challenges us to clarify and refine our own understanding.
In other words: the very 𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 things out can help you 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀 that might not surface when you're stuck in your own head. It's like your brain is piecing together the puzzle as you go, making it easier to understand not only the situation but also your own feelings about it.
Sometimes, 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘁𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳, not just from overthinking it in silence.
A word about timing
One of the most common mistakes for couples is 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 when they finally decide to sit down and talk.
They have the best intentions, but they often overlook whether their partner is mentally and emotionally available for the conversation.
The conversation starts but quickly ends in disconnect or frustration because one of you is hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or feels steamrolled by the intensity of the discussion.
Luckily, that one is an easy fix:
Let your partner know there’s something important you’d like to discuss, but don’t dive in right away. Instead, 𝗮𝘀𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻 “𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁”—find a time when they can be fully present.
This simple step not only respects their mental space, but it also 𝘀𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗺 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. When both of you are ready to engage, the chances of resolving the issue improve significantly.
How much time do you devote to discussing the expat life with your partner?
What stops you from having those conversations?
Find out more on how to navigate those crucial conversations
Our last Expat Couples Summit was devoted to conversations every globally mobile couple faces throughout their expat life.
For example:
Do we move abroad together for a job which means one of us has to leave their career?
Does only one of us relocate?
Should I commute long distance?
Shall we go and live in your home country?
It's my turn for a job move, can you become the accompanying spouse?
We've lived in different countries for many years, is it time to go back to our home country?
These questions need to be handled as essential conversations where each partner can express their needs and dreams and the couple can together figure out how to navigate the changes and questions brought about by this lifestyle.
Wiebke Anton and Rhoda Bangerter are the founders of the Expat Couples Summit, which launched in 2022 and is now in its third year. Wiebke and Rhoda are here for those (embarking) on exciting global journeys with their partners. Their passion comes from both professional insights and personal experiences.
Wiebke is from Germany, she is married to a Dutch. Wiebke is trained as a Couples’ Relationship Coach. Rhoda is mixed heritage, she grew up in France and is married to a Swiss. She is a Split Family Assignment Specialist. You can find out more about them on their websites www.help4love.com and www.rhodabangerter.com
